My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
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