he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
