i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
