You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
