i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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