I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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