Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
