I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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