I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
