you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
