The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
