I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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