mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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