did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
