her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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