My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
