Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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