i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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