every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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