there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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