My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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