My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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