Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
