You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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