I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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