Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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