Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
