So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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