So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
