I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize