Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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