Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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