ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
