You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
