I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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