i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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