drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I understand Curling. That high.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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