I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
