Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
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WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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