He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
