i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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