Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Come on in and take your pants off
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