I wish my penis had an off switch
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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