I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
