Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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