Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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