mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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