I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
