I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
