Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The uberlube is also flammable
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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