just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
