I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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