I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
