its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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