You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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